He made me this absolutly delicious hamburger and I brought over a salad from one of the corner pizza places. So I sat at the dinning room table and he was kind of across the room sitting on his computer chair but turned around talking to me.
We, again, talked and talked and talked. (The only reason why I am distinguishing this from any other normal occurance, is because we usually watch movies all night, and maybe talk for a small bit of time in the morning). I like the talking. I like it a lot.
So a few weeks ago, I sent him this email about these courses for Law Enforcement up in PA. It's free for us, we just have to get there on our own. He is helping me chose the classes I should take. Oh, and he is signing me up to take a motorcycle course at one of the community colleges in the area so I can get my motorcycle license. Yay! But - I only want the license so I can be on the motor-tac unit in this department, which hasn't had a female since the 60's. Yep, I'm trying to do things. And he is helping me do things to better myself on this department.
So yeah....I like him for that. The "good" things he's helping me do. And pushing me to do.
But anyway --
So, we finally decided to go sit on the couch together and watch a movie. As I'm moving around to get comfortable, he stops me and is like "I've got to tell you something important". I look at him and tell him 'yeah go ahead'.
He says "it's hard for me because every day I want to tell you that I love you. I always want to say it but I don't know how you'll react".
::I'm so not good at these things, especially not now....not at this point in my life::
I am just staring at him. Not blinking. Not moving. Not really thinking. I'm just staring. For like a good 3 minutes.
He grabs my arm, and jerks me so I can blink, and says "no I don't mean it like that. I see you took it wrong, I guess. I meant, I love you like how a friend would, because we spend so much time together".
::I finally find my voice and retrieve my thought process::
"No, there's no need to clean it up [City]. I just don't know what it is I should say...I mean....it's just..."
And he changes the subject.
What the hell was I supposed to say? I'm not even his girlfriend. Well, I don't think I am. He hasn't like officially asked me or anything. And I'm not pressuring him too. This just....it's starting to make me panic.
Why can't ppl be content with how things are? Huh?
Jeter - Monday, Sept. 28, 2009