((yes yes, two entries two days in a row! egads!!!!! lol))
So yesterday, while I'm sitting at work, JD calls me. And for some STUPID ass reason, I decide to answer the phone. My fault (duh, dunt, dunt, dunt).
He starts off by telling me that I am making a huge mistake, and that if I loved him (really truly loved him) I would trust him this time. This is the thing. Way back, he told me specifically the things he would tell his wife when she thought he was cheating...just to make her stay. Like he told me "I would be real calm so she would believe me" or "I would tell her how much she needed me, and how I would never do that to her". Yeah, same thing with me. THE.SAME.EXACT.THING!!! So how am I suppose to by that? Seriously??
Whatever.
(I don't know if I said this yesterday, but I told him "yep it's over, we are done...that's it") - So he was asking me "please don't let it be over"...I will do whatever it takes for you to stay.
Okay um...I have a huge problem with that. Why does it take me threatening to leave for you to want to change? Why does it take me threatening to leave for you to understand that you keep doing things that hurt me? Why? Why does it have to take that?
So I told him all that above. His thing was "I didn't know you were seriously going to leave". What?! So your behavior is acceptable as long as I deal with it...or play little games. I mean...what.the.fuck!
Anyway - so we are going back and forth. He begged me would I please not get my things from the apartment and if we could go to lunch tomorrow (today). I told him I'd have to think about it...and that I really didn't want to talk about any of it at work. Because I was sitting at my desk with tears running down my face, and get this.....I actually start feeling sorry for him. ::pitiful laugh:: I really felt sorry for him. Mind you, this is after seeing the condoms...after the bullshit. I feel sorry for him. ((I know I must be f'in looney while pregnant!!))
So we finally get off the phone. He sends me a text that says *and I quote* "Ryan I love you i will do anything to prove that. Dont throw away all the good times we have had. I do respect who you are. I did not cheat on u". 1:13pm
I didn't reply. Call me a bitch, but I really didn't want to deal with that shit while sitting at work.
He then sends: "I'm sorry I upset you. It just kills me to think about us not being together. I do not only consider you as my love but you are my closest friend". 3:36pm
At this time I just arrived to the apartment and was getting my things together so I could leave. I was serious. I was pissed when he unpacked my things when I tried to leave 2 weeks ago (um, is anyone else noticing that we go on a 2 week arguing cycle? ok good...it ain't just me).
**On a side note, even to myself (I would just like to say) I seem like my own damn talk show, soap opera, wacked out reality series all in one. And it's not a good/comforting look. Of ALL the things my life could have been...I wasn't expecting this. But I guess when you have a fucked up perspective about life, and do some really wrong things (ie messing with a whole slew of married men and/or cheating) this is what happens. I mean, damn!!**
So I send him: "Listen I am doing some stuff right now. Let me get settled and I will send you an email later tonight ok." 6:47pm
The reason I sent this was because I honestly planned on sending him an email explaining that I left. And that I wasn't trying to be a bitch about it, but that I didn't want to continue living in that type of environment with someone. And this is 100% true...I honestly can't handle the stress anymore of being on eggshells and walking on a highwire. It really does stress me out. I was going to tell him that he could, if he wanted, still come around and that I'd never stop him from seeing the kid.
Rrrriiiigggghhhhtttt!!!
Mike and I get to his house...he makes room and lets me put all my things 'back' where they use to be. And I am HONGRAY!! omg I was so hungry!!!! lol. And I wanted a damn pulled-pork sandwich with some cole slaw. Mike and I drove around for 2 hours until we found a place. I was not playin!!!!
We got back to the house, ate...then I stretched out and went to sleep on the couch. During Family Guy I might add...which means I was on some straight ITIS!!! I was so tired. Mike and I have made it a ritual that we always watch 24 together and I couldn't make it. Finally Mike made me get off the couch and go get in bed.
So I wake up, grab my phone (because I usually have to take it right to my purse/jacket or I'll forget it), and head to the loo (bathroom). My red light is blinking and it says "That was an awesome email! As the whistle blows." 4:13am
me: "Jesus I went to sleep! Unless u forgot I'm pregnant and was REALLY REALLY tired, BELIEVE IT OR NOT! Whatever. My things are out of the apartment" 5:10am
him: "Good! Where's my ring" 5:11am
me: "On the dresser. I'll turn my keys in and take my name off YOUR lease today, along with the parking pass". 5:12am
him: "Good. don't text me or call me ever again. if our paths corss don't even look in my direction. Take me off your facebook. You crazy bitch." 5:14am
And umm...that's all. OF COURSE I wanted to text back and call him all SORTS of isht! But why? Why lower myself to that level?? So he can win...nope!
Oddly, and I can't believe this, I'm really ok with it. That dude is f'in crazy!! (Any maybe I am saying that because it's over....but I don't know....something feels really ok with it).
So yeah....when I get off I'm going down to the leasing office and getting my name off the lease (the only reason why my name is on that damn lease is because it HAD to be because I had a parking pass). Actually, let me call there RIGHT now.
But umm...yeah. My life!
Jeter - Monday, Sept. 28, 2009